The Worst Part is not knowing

We've had a hard few days over here. On Thursday, when I really (really) needed to get out of the house...Bug was adamantly against it. "Do you want to go see friends?" No. "Well, Mommy would like to go. I think we should try it." No. "We can walk to a playground" No. "Please honey? If you don't like it, you tell Mommy, and we'll go." No.  So we didn't go.

And then yesterday we were supposed to have our free class at Romp N Roll. I was really excited. Nervous, of course, but really truly hopeful that he would at least enjoy the physical part and the structured part would be a good challenge for us. He didn't want to leave the house again, but I got him in the car and he was calm and I figured it'd be ok. It didn't help he got up at like 5 yesterday morning. But we got to RnR and he was a little unsure but not too bad in the lobby. When the teacher called us in to the little playhouse room for the intro song and such, Bug lost it. Crying. Asking to go. Trying to go. He seemed to be interested in the songs for a second or two, and then he'd go back to trying to escape. He wouldn't come near me, so I couldn't calm him down in my lap. I took him back out. One of the other workers asked if we wanted to just go into the gym, so we tried that. He looked at all the really cool stuff for a millisecond and then continued to cry and ask to go. So we headed out. The girl was so sweet to us, told us that I can call any time to come back, or we can just do Open Gym to start.

So we came home. And I briefly explained to Adam. And we both just felt so deflated. Defeated. Discouraged.

The worst part is not knowing.

How much of this is typical two year old stuff versus "Bug's quirks" stuff? What exactly is so objectionable about these environments? Is this actually backlash from "prepping" him (telling him prior where we are going and what to expect--Adam pointed out that we don't do that if we're doing little errands or going to places he's ok with, only when it's something new and we're not sure of his reaction)? Where is the line between challenging him and traumatizing him? Am I being too soft with him?

The worst part is not knowing. Why?

On the surface, you could look at the RnR thing and see any kid doing that. But as Bug's Mom, and someone not unfamiliar with tantrummy, fickle two year olds...he was scared. Panicked. Truly frightened. I don't know why. As far as environments go, it wasn't too bad stimulation-wise. There were only 3 other kids--who weren't moving around wildly or making big noises. Simple room.

We don't know what about new environments makes Bug so uneasy. Sometimes you can understand--the nursery at church is busy...when there are lots of kids in there, it is kind of overwhelming, even as an adult. The library even, while quiet, is big and there is so much visual.

Bug can't tell us. Maybe he doesn't even know. The best we can do is look for patterns. It's all guesswork.

The worst part is not knowing. How to help?

The worst part is not knowing. What to do?

I'm Bug's mom. I've seen this kid every. single. day. for his entire life--31 months now. The longest period of time I've ever been away from him was when I was in the hospital after having Wiggle. And even then, I saw him every day. No one knows him better than me. And so I'm the biggest advocate he has. It is my job to protect him, get his needs met, encourage him and challenge him, but recognize when it's best to just bail on a situation.

One of the hardest things for me is when I tell others about Bug's being uncomfortable in new situations, especially if we're not there. People invariably give me some version of "Well, he's going to have to get over it." And that just seems so horribly callous to me.

Imagine being brought to a foreign land, where you had no common language. You can't use gestures to get your needs met. You can't talk. That would produce anxiety, even for an adult. And we're not sure, what does Bug see, feel, notice in a new environment. He could be in pain, and I wouldn't necessarily know it. How do I help him when I don't know what the problem is?

As an adult, you can control your environment. If something makes you uneasy, you can avoid it, or you at least have the ability to somewhat mentally prepare yourself, you have coping mechanisms. Bug has no control over where he goes. He is not able to prepare himself. We have to teach him how. Somehow.

I'm Bug's biggest advocate. Until he can express himself, I have to be his voice. And the little bit that he does express himself I have to encourage and respect. Give him confidence. Show him that saying "x" gets you "y" consistently. Find some balance between empowering him without letting him completely take over (that is, we're not going to stop going to new places all together because Bug doesn't like them...but maybe there are some that we wouldn't go to because they are too much, or leaving when he's had enough). Find a balance between challenging him and protecting him. Heck, even the balance between being honest and realistic about our struggles and being overly negative. Knowing what is good and what damages him.

The hardest part is not knowing. We are flying blind over here. We are very much just making it up as we go along. I'm not going to lie. And while I don't think that's unusual at all for parenthood, we have the added complexity of this sensory issue/speech delay that may be indicative of something deeper or maybe is just a quirk or a phase. No clue.

What I do know: We have a smart, sweet little boy that we love very much. My parenting philosophy is best summed up as "Love the snot out of them." So I'm going to do that, I'm going to try to trust my gut as we do this complicated balancing act. I know that God has this all figured out, and I'm going to try to be ok with that. And I know that we will slog on.